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Animated Atrocities 51
Description You know what, that's it. Come at me FOX. Fair Use, assholes Transcipt Congratulations, Family Guy! You're the new Allen Gregory! I've only tangled with this show twice before. Once, where it said that abused victims should stay in abusive relationships for their abusers' benefit. And once, where it took you through the death of your own dog to ignite sympathy for a character who has long since lost any he had left. Yeah, there's a reason I don't talk about this show very much. "Life of Brian" was so insulting that I said I'd stop reviewing Family Guy episodes; something that no show has sunk to. What was their response? To make an episode worse than Seahorse Seashell Party, because yeah, Fresh Heir belongs in Allen Gregory! Only the makers of Allen Gregory would find this shit funny. But look on the bright side, that means I get to review all the horribly shitty lessons and beliefs this show has spewed. Yes, say hello to your new regular customer, alongside Spongebob and G3 MLP. So let's see what made this episode so bad that I felt the need to return to this miserable excuse of a show! It starts with a joke that goes nowhere when Chris comes in and wants to spend time with his father. Then we already have an unfunny cutaway that's a failure of a joke. We just started and they've already given up trying to write a decent plot. Also, this random nonsense is going to be the highlight of our humor tonight. Oh yeah, and I just want to state for the record that that guy Chevapravatdumrong has one of the best names I've ever seen! How do you get a name that absurdly awesome? Chris: You promised we'd go fishing. Peter: Ah Chris, I was just lying to you so you'd go away. Ah yes, we need to restate that Peter Griffin is an asshole because that's obviously not his overall character trait. Brian: Peter, you know it might help Chris to be - HOLY SHIT, A GHOST! LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD! This leads to another cutaway with nothing of substance happening. EITHER BE FUNNY OR GET TO THE PLOT! Lois's father, Carter, has apparently broken his leg, and his wife can't take care of him because... Lois: Mom can't take care of him; she's out of town doing a photo shoot for the cover of Veins Magazine. You know what? I'd complain, but that's the least gross thing we're going to be dealing with. That reminds me of another atrocity that I reviewed: One Night in Gottlieb! I'm not going to lie: this is going to be a really tough one to get through the bone jutting out of Carter's knee?. Lois: '''I've got to go get my hair very minutely changed and then spend the next 14 hours trying to get people to notice. All right, I know this is Family Guy's thing, but can we please keep our cutaways to less than 1 per minute? Writers, I know it squicked you out to hell and back to write this miserable excuse for a plot, as it would do to any sane person, but please try to stay focused! '''Peter: Good idea. I better check on my hairless twin in the storm shed. Or just keep doing that. It's another joke that confuses disturbing with funny. So Lois manipulates Chris into taking care of Carter. I know it's supposed to look sweet, but we seem to forget: Lois is a bitch! Lois: You're not gonna kill yourself, are you? That would be a severe black mark on my record as a mom. Said the woman who gave her daughter drugs and wanted things to take their course! We cut to the Carter mansion where... Carter: The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God I wish there was a way I could just do it myself. You know, just just to be done and napping within 4 minutes! Chris: '''(beat) Let me show you something. Yeah, Chris teaches Carter, his elderly grandfather, how to masturbate! And you know what, that's not even the worst part! '''Carter: You can do that like, once a year or something? Chris: No. You can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else! Carter: Cool! Hey next time I want to try it with my hand. Yes, they are stating that Chris just gave his grandfather a handjob, and I thought Patrick eating the diaper was bad. Excuse me for a moment... screen of death WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! Next, they mess with some pizza guys, where Carter decides that he likes hanging out with Chris. Then they have a band in a joke that doesn't go anywhere. Hahaha, he's an old man acting like a teenager; I haven't seen that anywhere. When Carter's leg heals, he tries to pay Chris to compensate him for his efforts. Of course, since Chris liked to spend time with his grandfather, he doesn't accept the money. Well, that's the cover story at least. Guess they didn't want to insinuate prostitution on top of the incest. Chris: Hey grandpa, check it out! When I make my elbow like this, It looks like women's private parts! depiction of the writers during the production of "Fresh Heir" Both: laughing Carter: We're not supposed to be doin' this. I bet we're not supposed to be doin' this. However, Carter changes his will and leaves Chris as the sole heir to his fortune. Peter: Oh no, my hairless twin got out! Once again, they're confusing disturbing with funny. But when you make a mistake 20 times in 1 episode, it's hard to make it a 21st- Lois: What about Mom? Carter: I promise she'll be dead before I am. I promise. Spoke too soon. Brian: '''Look Carter, I suppose you're- Maybe I'll review Christmas Guy, maybe I won't. Seth Macfarlane may have brought Brian back, but he's still dead to me. Now, halfway through this episode, we get to the unsettling part. Yes, they make one of the most reprehensible plots ever imagined, and it takes halfway through the epidode to actually get to it. '''Peter: I'm talking about brown nosin' Chris and gettin' on his good side perk Brown nose is a synonym for ass kissing, and this episode is going to give that statement a whole new meaning. But first, a pointless cutaway. Lois: Peter, are those testicles?! Where did you get those?! Peter: I don't remember! What context could possibly make this funny? 40 bonus points. I'm gonna say it. I-I'm gonna say it: Not even 1 Night in Gottlieb had this many disturbing jokes shoehorned in. And at least when they did, they were relevant to the plot! The next day, Peter dresses up like Chris, in a pitiful attempt to suck up to him. Peter: Hey Chris, how about you and me do a secret handshake that has way too many steps to remember? All right, shake, bump, bump, pinky hook, pretend to slick your hair back, represent... Remember the dad noises in Seahorse Seashell Party? Yeah well, old habits die hard. Peter: '''Remember that kid you said was bullying you at school? Well here's his head! '''Chris: screams That's not even him! That's the deaf kid!! You know, maybe if there were only one or two jokes like this, it would be shocking. But after the 50TH TIME, it gets kinda depressing. They're clearly doing this in some kind of desperate plea to get a reaction. Because they no longer have the talent, or even the interest at this point, to get their audience to laugh, or feel anything but disgust. We get a scene that tells us nothing we don't already know and then- Meg: Chris, our bath is ready. Peter: '''I- depiction of the writers during the production of "Fresh Heir" '''Both: laughing Carter: We're not supposed to be doin' this. I bet we're not supposed to be doin' this. This is what happens to your mind when you stay in abusive relationships, or work on a sub-par comedy for several years: it fucks you up. Some offhand talk gives Peter a stupid, stupid idea. Peter: Chris, there comes a time when every man looks at his son and thinks: 'I want to take this to the next level.' Chris Griffin, will you marry me? Yes! They really are that stupid! No, they aren't expecting you to find this funny; they're expecting you to take this seriously! You know, after all the disturbing shit they've shoveled in our face. Chris: What? Is it even legal for a man to marry his son? Peter: It is in Vermont. As long as it's a man and a man, anything goes up there; they're a bunch of liberal degenerates. And these stupid jokes might be why it's taking so long to legalize gay marriage. Do you know the really stupid thing? It's not the fact that Peter wants to marry his son, it's the fact that Chris knows he's doing it for the money, and is only doing it to spend time with Peter, and THE EPISODE THINKS THIS IS OK! Look, trust me: if someone is that shallow, you don't want to spend time with them, parent or not. the way, this is never resolved. Peter & Lois are still divorced at the end of the episode Peter gets Lois to sign some divorce papers and the two of them are off to Vermont. Yes, the writers are chuckling to themselves like middle school dropouts. Considering you'd have to have that kind of sense of humor to find this shit funny! Joe's Son: No, Dad. Joe: I don't know what normal is anymore. They call this trope 'Crossing the Line Twice', trying to be so fucked up, that you don't have any choice but to find it funny. And, uh, I can't believe they actually did that kind of way. But, it doesn't work, when they've been doing stuff like this for years. And once again, doesn't look anything more than desperate. Peter: '''So now you know my complete sexual history, Chris. '''Chris: Wow. WHO-WHO WAS THIS WRITTEN FOR?' '''You know what? It probably is trying to appeal to the Allen Gregory audience. '''Peter:' Holy wack-a-zoli! Hahaha, Peter's a pedophile. Peter: Excellent. Do you have a table for the couple that barely made it through the weekend without breaking up? Waiter: Absolutely. Can I put them near the couple that hooked up drunk and now have to make awkward small talk- ha, it's so relateable - to no one! Yeah, you know an unfunny joke: If you keep going on and going on with it, IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY MORE FUNNY, IT MAKES IT TEDIOUS! And it's just hammering in the point that Peter is trying to marry his son. And we get a few more jokes like that. Peter: '''I went with the most romantic song ever: 'Stars and Stripes Forever' by John Phillip Sousa. Can you feel the soldiers, Chris? So many have fallen and this is why they were fighting: for a man to marry his son in a state with enough trees around that nobody can see what's goin' on! wait until our armed forces hear of this one. Finally we get to the wedding and another disturbing joke '''Peter: Chris, to express my love, I turned to the words of the only poet that blue-collar New England scumbags like me know: Robert Frost. Two roads diverged in a wood and I? I took the one less traveled. Now I ain't no scholar, but if that's not a metaphor for major league butt stuff, I don't know what is. And then Lois interrupts Peter Lois: Several people have called the police about a man marrying his son. It's not normal! Is that supposed to be a metaphor for something? 'Not normal' Really? We all know that they could've worded that vastly better. It-it barely takes any thought; I have-I have to assume that the writers did that on purpose. Lois: He can't make you do this! Chris: '''But mom, I wanna do this. Oh look, it's time for the sappy part: time for that crappy dramatic zoom, because that's the effect that takes no effort whatsoever. I can do zooms too! And I use Windows Movie Maker! It doesn't make things any more intense, it just makes you look lazy! of the show really '''Lois: What? Chris: I know he's marrying me for my money, but I don't care. Dad and I spent more time together planning this wedding than we ever have before. And if being married means I get to spend even more time with my Dad, then it's worth it. HIS LOVE IS FAKE. Is that really what you want, Chris? What you are getting is nothing but a lie and a charade, and this is a lie that is nearly impossible to keep up. Considering that Peter has repeatedly referenced sex, and the desire to do so, I think that you can construe this moral any way you want! Peter: Yeah, and I guess I learned it's wrong to take your son to Vermont under false pretenses to try to marry him for his inheritance. Stewie: You-you should've known that. So should the writers! It's bad. It's really, really bad! If it was just a normal, everyday episode, it would have some of the worst writing that I have ever come across. The plot is disturbing and it knows it's disturbing. If you're turned off by Family Guy's cringe comedy, it comes across as another desperate plea for attention by doing the only thing that Family Guy knows how to do now: making shit like this! And yeah, it's incredibly disturbing. Because they wait so long to get into the incest plot, they need to throw in a bunch of jokes just like that to hold you over. Congratulations, Family Guy! Enjoy your position as the new Allen Gregory! I hope you like being one of the most disgusting and infamous cartoons ever made! Trivia His Running Gag from his review of "Fresh Heir" where he plays a clip of Chris and Carter giggling while Carter pushes his finger into Chris' arm to simulate penetrating a woman's private parts, all with a caption comparing them to the guys who wrote the episode. * Also from that review, when Brian first appears, he acts like Brian's a ghost because he's supposed to be dead, by yelling 'LA LA LA LA YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!' * Played for laughs in his "Fresh Heir" review in which he believes that "Christmas Guy" never happened and that Brian Griffin is still dead. Mr. Enter: "HOLY SHIT A GHOST! La la la, I can't hear you, you're supposed to be dead!" "Maybe I will review "Christmas Guy", maybe I won't. Seth MacFarlane may have brought Brian back, but he's still dead to me." A literal example occurs during the review of Fresh Heir: On-Screen Text: A problem has been detected and Mr. Enter has been shut down to protect his brain. If this is the first time you've seen this error screen, you know that you've come across some truly fucked up shit. Please do not adjust your computer. What you saw was indeed above and beyond disturbing, and can only be brought up by the most perverted of minds. Please stand by. * During his review of Fresh Heir: Meg: Chris, our bath is ready. (beat) Peter: Uh... (insert Mr. Enter's canned shot at the writers) Mr. Enter: This is what happens when you stay in abusive relationships... or when you work on a subpar comedyfor several years: it fucks you up. *'Credits song': "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" theme. * While ripping apart Autism Speaks, he took a brief swipe at Chris-Chan, saying how Autism Speaks makes autistic people look worse than him somehow. * Originally he was gonna review Yours, Mine, and Mine from Spongebob but replaced it with Fresh Heir from Family guy and it's unknown if he will review what he originally had in mind * Mr enter Believes that Fresh Heir shows that Family Guy is willing to do anything to shock and disgust. * Fox copyrighted this review Category:Animated Atrocities Category:Season 2